Subtle As The Wind Is Grey

I don't understand myself. Every year and every day it gets more and more apparent that I can't do anything for myself. I can't motivate myself, I can't make enough money, I can't decide what makes me happy, I can't put a finger on what makes me sad, I don't know who I still care about and why (except for Alex), and most of all I can't seem to change in any sort of significant way. I feel like I'm constantly standing in the middle of a teeter-totter. Sure sometimes life goes up and down, but overall it doesn't seem to make a difference to me because from where I'm standing up or down are interchangeable. And the worst part is I'm aware of my ineptitude.

My professor nominated me for yet another district contest I won't win. Cool.

I'm too negative.

There are days, like today, when I wonder how much I really need all this. I think of salmon fishing in Alaska or oil rigs in Texas and damn my studies. You can make somewhere around $150,000 doing either one of those things for a year. And they pay your living expenses and give you a monthly stipend to use at your discretion. Fuck CGCC, fuck ASU, fuck my career plan. All I need to do is work out and buy a one-way plane ticket.

Someone sitting close to me is wearing that Got2BeGlued hair gel stuff and I keep smelling it. It's like going in a time warp back to freshman summer camp with EVBC. There are few things I miss more than those summer camps. It's a shame that that life and that security had to end. But it was inevitable. I'm much too weak to keep up with something that requires such strength. Or at the very least I'm much too unmotivated. But every time I smell that hair gel or eat soft serve ice cream or see a Bible I'm at least back in Point Loma for a little while. I recently turned in a story for my CRW170 class mainly concerned with religion. The main characters end up having an argument out God and fairness in general and even as I was writing it I couldn't figure out whose side I was on. Even going back and editing that scene and rereading it a hundred times I'm still on the fence. But like I said earlier, that's just how I live.